Item Location Specialist

The two questions that get me instantly irritated:

1.  Where is my/the _____?

2.  Do we have any _____?

Holy shit!

 Everyone that lives here has lived here as long as I have. They are not guests.  The shit is in the same place as it always has been.

The ultimate day brightener question is:
"Do we have any (insert refrigerated item here)?"

What they are REALLY asking is:  "I know we have some (insert refrigerated item here) but I am too lazy to look for it can you tell me where it is in the fridge?"

As if I have every item in the fridge mapped out in a special location and know exactly where it is.  Nope.  I'm not that OCD.

Tweety

So, let me tell you about my close encounter with a bird.  Too close.

First, I do not like birds.  They are O.K. if I am looking out a window and they are in a tree or perch somewhere being all bird like, but up close and personal?  No thanks.

So, I took my kids to school, come in the house for a few hours and do some things, then I go to leave to run some errands.   Get in my car and start pulling out the driveway.  I hear something in the backseat.  Not just your normal "hmm what's that" sound.  More like the, "What in the eff is in my car?"  So, I go to look and I see something move.  I stopped the car and jumped out.  I see a freaking bird flying and banging on the window in the back seat.  So I run to open all the doors and I THINK it flew out?  I couldn't be 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure the bastard left.

So, I get in the car and off down the driveway I go.  All of a sudden it comes flying out from under the passenger seat.  Mild heart attack folks.

I opened all the doors... again... and finally he flew out.

Now, who cracked the window you ask?  I think it was the 8 yo, but, he claims I did it.  So it's still in debate.  Not saying I didn't do it and not remember, because that is HIGHLY possible.

The bird left me TONS of surprises behind.

Bird shit on the door, seats, console, dash and steering wheel.

What a shitty day.

Thanks tweety you suck.

REAL Advice for New Mommys.

ADVICE FOR NEW MOMMIES

This is the real deal and not all that bullshit other people give you like, "enjoy your time, sleep when you can, don't forget about the husband"  Eff all that stupid shit.  That's all a given. This is the shit people don't tell you.

1.  Do not overcrowd your first newborn with too many pictures and hang them all over the house.  You will feel like shit when #2 comes about and you can only afford one photo session per year, if your lucky.  Then when your #2 is 5 and asks why you have so many pictures of #1 you feel like ultimate shit.  To all of you who have equal number of pictures of all your kids on your walls..... screw you.

2.  Do not fall into the "awesome baby stuff" trap.  Sure, you will use the stuff, but when #2 comes about you  will realize how stupid that  diaper genie really is and what a waste of money it was and #2's diapers will be going in the trash because you cant afford or don't have the energy to go out and by the "special" stupid refills for it.  Just and example folks.

3.  Have the pediatrician on speed dial.  They make over $100,000 grand a year, make them work for it.   If you have a question, call them, screw google.  That shit gets you paranoid.

4.  If you have a grandparent or someone you trust willing to babysit the baby,  do that shit!  Don't be the type that says , "oh I don't want to leave the baby" Eff that.  Get an hour of fun.  You deserve it!  Holy shit,  you just squeezed that watermelon out of your va jay jay you are entitled to an hour of fun.

5.   Do not put your nick nacks away.  Teach the kid not to touch.  It will be hard and a major pain in the ass, but, you can't expect your family and friends to put THEIR nick nacks up just because your tornado is coming over.  Teach the kid young so he/she will have manners at other peoples houses.  You do not want your friends to OD on birth control pills after you and your kid leave their house.

6.  Don't be too overwhelmed by being a germ freak.  You will hate it when your kid starts Kindergarten.  They will stay sick and then they will be home all the time and your dreams of being alone while they are in school will be shot down all because of a runny nose and sore throat.

7.  Do not EVER take any parenting advice ANYONE that has never had children.  That would be like getting sex advice from a virgin or praying with an atheist.  Pointless.

8.  Dr. Browns bottles SUCK.  I mean think about it, as if washing bottles isn't bad enough they had to go and stick a tube down the middle you got to clean?   Eff that.  This had to be a male invetion.  Screw you Dr. Browns.

9.  Vacuum, party, blast music or scream while the baby sleeps. Trust me on this one.  You want your kid to sleep through a thunder storm but most importantly, you will NOT want #1  to wake up when  #2 is screaming in the middle of the night.  The last thing you want is 2 of em screaming.  The thought makes me want to run out and get a hysterectomy, so make sure you get your babies used to loud noises so they do not wake up.  You will thank me later.

10.  Bathe the kid often.  Please.  No one wants to pick up your cute bundle of joy and smell funk and see left over dried up formula under their neck.  Yuck.  Do society a favor and bathe your kid.

Spiders are assholes!

I got bit by a spider. No, I didn't actually seeeeee the spider, but I know that's what it was. I just know. Now, for those that do not know me, I HATE SPIDERS. Loath them. This bite makes me hate them even more. The bite got red and pissed off. Oozing shit. Felt like rug burn. This was 5 days ago and I am STILL dealing with it.

So I went to the ER, b/c it was oozing bad and it was yucky. It was 2 am. The Dr. was half asleep (seriously, he kept closing his eyes and he just looked way to relaxed) and said, "Well, sometimes we end up having to cut it off" Cut it off? Cuse me? My leg? I don't think so. You better IV my ass up with some antibiotics or give me a shot in my ass. SOMETHING! QUICK! He says, "NO, not your leg, the bite". Well , that is better, I kinda like my leg. He probably got a kick out of scaring the shit out of me. Asshole.

Thankfully it is just now starting to heal.

I haven't found the bastard that bit me yet, but I am on the look out with a bottle of Clorox spray by my side. When I find that little shit, he's dead. Then I'm going to leave his body there so all his little friends see it so they know not to eff with me. "Look, there's Bob, the bitch got him, we better move out" That's right mo fos. GET OUT before you end up like Bob.

I hate them. Bad. Creepy asses. YUCK!

Table Manners

TABLE MANNERS

The fam bam and I went out to eat the other night and I almost lost my dinner.  People are GROSS.

This guy (mid 40's)  was a few tables down from us slurping, chewing with his mouth open, shit dribbling on his chin.  It was gross.

If you wanna eat like that at home, good for you, but damn don't do it in public.  GROSS.

While we are on the subject of table manners, how bout those that blow their nose at the table?  Good god I hate it.  Snot and cheeseburgers do not mix.

I just gagged.

Shoe Farters-- DOUCHE LIP AWARENESS

DOUCHE LIP AWARENESS

I had to take a test the other day for a job I am trying to get. It was a THREE HOUR test and it sucked huge donkey balls.   The lady administrating the test  was pretty bitchy, dressed unprofessional and had a chip on her shoulders.

I can deal with all that.

What I cannot deal with are farting shoes.

If your ass knows your going to be administrating a test and it's going to be quiet in the room, please refrain from wearing farting shoes.  If you do choose to wear your farting shoes that day, well  guess what, your a DOUCHE LIP.

I had to listen to this woman walk around the room while her shoes farted the WHOLE time while I'm trying to take a test.  HELLO.  How terribly annoying.

Perhaps she had eggs for breakfast and wanted to wear her farting shoes so the test takers would not know if it was the shoes or her ass farting.


Either way.. screw you shoe farters aka DOUCHE LIPS!

Blame it on the Grocery Store

The grocery store has become an evil place.   It is where I am beginning to realize things have changed. 

The other day, the kids and I were shopping at a medium speed level (this is usually a notch down, I am usually on high speed)  so, I'm minding my own business and all of a sudden, my daughter has a look of utter shock on her face.  I ask her what her deal is and she proceeds to tell me that a lady asked me a question and I walked by and ignored her. 

She did?  What lady?  When?  Where the eff was I?  

HOLY SHIT.  I did not hear or see a damn thing. 

So I tell my daughter that I didn't hear this woman ask me anything and my daughter and son are confused because they say I looked right at her.  

I did??

What was she wearing?  

Is my hearing going?  What is the deal here? 

That was realization one.  

Realization two happened today.  I went to the grocery store with my daughter  Nothing fascinating happened.  Just my usual rush to hurry up and get the hell out of there, so we were shopping at high speed.  

I spent $89.00 in a matter of 30 minutes and a few bags.  How pathetic.  But this blog is not about me bitching about food prices, I could do that all day. 

So... my daughter and I get back in the car and shes talking about how she sneezed and the cashier was looking around to see who sneezed.  When I said, "bless you" to my daughter, the cashier looked at my daughter funny.  

Then my daughter asked, "You remember when I sneezed and you said bless you, don't you?"  

Ummmmmmmm 

Nope. 

Drawing a blank.  

Seriously, have I become this absent minded or and I getting old?   It was only a few minutes prior when the alleged sneeze took place. 

My 10 yr old is looking at me like I am nuts for not remembering this damn sneeze as I go through every filing cabinet my brain has to offer.   How can I not remember this effing sneeze?  

What else have I effing missed on these trips to the grocery store??? Holy shit. 

So am I getting absent minded or old?  I don't know, but I'm beginning to think it's all the grocery stores fault.  

Perhaps it's a little bit of both, I am getting absent minded in my old age :/  

Top Hookers

Can't believe I forgot to tell ya'll this.  Last night male spawn comes running out of his room, "Mommy can I please record Top Hookers?"

Now. Top Hookers?  WTF?   It took me a good few seconds for this shit to registrar in my brain.  My son wants to record Top Hookers? What effing channel is he watching??  Is he watching HBO? Is it midnight?  WTF.

Panic and terror set in for a bit until I was corrected that it was the fishing show on Animal Planet that I forgot all about.

Screw you Animal Planet.

Firefly Hunting

My son decided he wanted to go catch some fireflies tonight.  That was cool.  I am all about that.  So I send him outside with a mason jar with promises to be out there in just a few.  He came in with his first firefly in his jar, beaming with pride and joy.  I even took a picture for he wanted me to savor the moment forever. 

Now, at this time he is very anxious for me to come out there.  

Let me stop there.

If you know my son, you would know he is such a sweet heart.  He has a big heart and has respect for all things living.  His biggest worry throughout this whole firefly catching escapade was he was going to misplace them from their families when he caught them.  I had to reassure him he was not misplacing them and everything was going to be OK so long as he did not keep them in the jar too long.  

So off we go together, to catch fireflies.  Mommy and son.  

Life is grand.

He hands me the mason jar, with full trust that I will do this firefly catching thing right.  After all, I have told him all I know, now it's time to show him. 

He had 3 in the jar already and he wanted a few more .  I walked out to the yard, full of confidence, with plans to fill the jar with the most fireflies this kid has ever seen.

 I spot one and I go in for it... BOOM I get him. 

YES!  I haven't caught a firefly in years.  I feel... 

VICTORIOUS!

Give me a mason jar and some fireflies and it's on like bing bong. 

I go to show my son my PROUD firefly and as I look I notice something is not right. 

SHIT, I caught the firefly in the lid and the damn thing is not moving.   

ooops. 

I have killed the effing firefly.   

My victorious balloon has been popped. 

I immediately envision my son pointing at the jar with his jaw dropped and tears streaming down his face screaming "YOU KILLED IT!" I know if he sees this I will be labeled a firefly murderer and from this day forward when he sees a firefly he will see my face with devil horns.  

I have to do something QUICK. 

So here is what I come up with, "OH NO!  We have to release them quickly!  They are going to die!" So off comes the lid and I'm flicking the dead one out of the way as fast as I can.   

He comes running over screaming, "WAITTTTTTTTT!" 

OOOOPS, sorry buddy, but I had to get them out quick I think I saw one gasping for air. 

"Gasping for air?" he asked?  "Mommy, you saved the fireflies!"

Yes, yes I did. 

I effing rock as a mommy. 

The Glob

Are you thinking what I was thinking?  WTF is that?

Well folks, this is the ceiling in the kids bathroom and what you are looking at is toothpaste.  A big old glob.

Now, of course, no one knows how it got there.  The toothpaste must have squeezed itself and squirted on the ceiling.

But seriously, how in the hell did the kids manage this one?  

The shit you find when you have kids.

Hell-Mart is on FIRE!

Today starts summer break.  This means  no more shopping after taking the kids to school.

It forces me to reflect on those fun times when we had bad experiences at the store.

So, this is my Wal-Mart story folks as embarrassing as it is, I look back and have to laugh.

I went to Hell-Mart (aka Wal-Mart) with the kids and decided to get my 6 year old daughters hair cut (Hey!  screw you....I live in NC.. getting your kids haircut at Wal-Mart is socially acceptable).

So there is my daughter in the chair.  Getting a hair cut.  How adorable.  She was so happy and excited, but,  my 4 year old was being AWFUL.  I'm trying to hold him in my arms and he keeps wiggling his way out to run around and touch things.  Yep.  He was getting on my damn nerves.  Big time.

These are times when I'm thinking a leash is not such a bad idea. 

So... I'm attempting to hold this kid in my arms again and failing miserably when he wiggles out and heads RIGHT to the fire door.  Before I can catch him, he has opened it and set the fire alarm off for the whole store. 

The. Whole. Store.

Remember

The. Whole. Store.

Can you say OMG? ! ?

I would love nothing more at that point to have gotten up and left, but I was in an awkward position because my daughter was in the middle of getting a hair cut.  

I had to suffer this one out.

Look down.  Look at the ceiling.  Twiddle thumbs.  Just DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT with anyone!    

How embarrassing.

One lady called the assistant manager right away, and I vaguely remember an announcement being made that it was a false alarm.  The lady announced that the managers were coming to shut it off.

The lady kept cutting my daughters hair saying, "whew that is loud"  NO shit it's loud.  Someone turn it the off.  Holy shit!

It took forever for the managers to come  over and shut it off.  I kept hearing whispers and seeing looks from people walking by. Yea, so, my kid set off he fire alarm.  And?   As if their kids are perfect!  Psssssshhht.  

Well, most people would have probably left the store after the haircut.  But nope.  Not me. Just call me crazy,  but I figured since it had been a little bit since the alarm was shut off, I was probably safe enough to shop.

Not. 

So shopping I go.  I even go to the OTHER side of the store to check out (people on the hair side knew it was my kid, so of course I am going to avoid that area like the plague).  So I am trying to be slick.   I'm standing in line and I hear two women talking about the fire alarm. . Ugh.  Great.  (start whistling and look at the ceiling) One says, "I hear it was a kid who set it off." The other says, "Wow, I would not be surprised." 

Whose idea was it to go shopping after my kid just set off the fire alarm?    Ugh, I remember thinking "Just let me get out of this store without being pointed out as the lady whose kid just set off the fire alarm for the whole store."  Please.    I swear I will never ever ever stick my finger up (I didn't say which finger) at my kid when he't not looking ever again.

Now that my son is older, I have told him the story and he laughs and laughs.  That's OK little one, laugh away, I shall repay you with a shit ton of embarrassing music when I drop you off  when you start high school (Ice Ice Baby, Friends in Low Places perhaps).

All in all I love the embarrassing moments and wouldn't trade them for anything (I am going to eat those words because I am sure I just jinxed myself)

Apples and Coffee

I'm cool with the phrase, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away." But this? This phrase? Unheard of. Sure.. a small percentage of why I drink coffee is because it helps keep me awake...But it also improves my mood by 99% (the numbers don't lie people) . Apples don't improve my mood. Apples are a reminder that I'm stuck on a diet that's not going anywhere. So screw you morning apple I'm sticking with coffee.

Awards Day Mixed With Grammar Edumaycaytion

Today my kids had their awars (yes, awars) ceremony today. It sucked. I hated it. My kids did super, and I am so proud of them. So much so that I could fart rainbows (seriously). With that being said, coming out of the awars (yes, awars) I felt stupider (yep, stupider). Let me explain, there is a new teacher who will be teaching the grade my son is in next year (yay). I only pray that someone other than me heard what happened during the awar (yes awar) ceremony today and do (yes do) something about it.

This is how it went.

Teacher gets up there and shes nice looking. Well put together. But out goes,

"De next attenance awar go to (insert name here) but he not here today."

There's so many damn things wrong with that sentence.

GRAMMAR POLICE

Attendance award and hes not here today? Nice.

Then out comes,

"De smiley face awar goes to (insert name here). He always go and do what I ass him to do".

This is the woman that will be teaching my child next year. I am going to put in the suggestion box that she goes back to first grade and does a full year sit in to learn grammar all over again.

10 Things I Learned From My Dad

Fathers Day is coming up and its a perfect time to reflect on my dad.  I am happy to announce that I have the best dad in the world.

He has taught me many things in my life, but my teenage years were not the easiest.

But.. he was patient and stood by me knowing that one day I would get my act together.

And I did.

So, the 10 things I learned from him (in no particular order) that I have carried with me into adult hood.

1.  Always be on time.  I personally was never late and being late as an adult is utterly unacceptable.  Luckily, this is a life lesson I learned watching my older brother.  One time  my brother was 1 minute late and my dad threw his keys were into a corn field (true story).  My dad said, "Even though he was one minute late, it was one more minute I had to worry about him."   Now that I have kids.  I get it.  I worry and think about my 10 year old when shes at a friends.  If I say be home at 8 I do not mean 8:01.  One extra minute of worrying.  Not cool.

2.  The dishwasher is not a miracle worker.  My dad would sit down and lecture my brother and I about how to make a proper peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Scrape the peanut butter off on the inside of the jar.  The dishwasher is not going to get off all the excess peanut butter.  I carry this with me, but I do not practice it, but I do think about this every time I make a pb&j which I am pretty sure was his goal.

3.  How to wash a car.  When the car is soapy, you need to rinse it from the top to bottom, not bottom to top.  Makes sense.... now.

4.  Baseball and Football.  He is a huge fan of both. I was instructed as I child that I will pull for the NY Mets and the NY Giants and pulling for anyone else could result in my departure out of the house or world, depending on his mood that day.

5.  Communication.  Communication is important, not only does it keep you up to date as to what is going on in each others lives, but it makes you feel better.  My dad lives 6 hours away and we talk at least 2 times a day.  At least.

6.  Ice cream is one of the basic food groups and should be included in your everyday diet.  Everyday folks not once a week, but everyday.  I do love me some ice cream but dad LOVES his ice cream.

7. How to drive a car (both manual and automatic).  My dad always said that every female should know how to drive a manual because you never know when she may need to drive one.  Good point.  That get away car I drove last week was a manual (kidding)

8.   Honesty.  Being honest is important.  No making things up, no lying about anything.  It makes you look stupid and people lose respect.

9.  Be a hard worker.   He is probably the hardest worker I know.  He was always an excellent provider and worked all the OT he could get to make sure we had.  

10.  How to be a good parent.  As I said, my teenage days were no walk in the park.  I look back and PRAY my kids are NOTHING like I was.  He stuck in there and no matter what he was there when I needed him.  If I needed him to come get me and he was 12 hours away he would be on his way as soon as he hung up.  I would do the same for my kids.



So.. HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO THE BEST DADDY IN THE WORLD!  MY DAD!

I Like Big Cups and I Cannot Lie

Jenn's Blogspot - My Daily Jenn-ism (check her out and like her her page is awesomness!) posted this pic this morning. I couldn't agree more. It inspired this parody of "Baby Got Back" . 

I like big cups and I cannot lie
You other mothers can deny 
That when a mama walks in with a little bitty mug
And a smile in your face you get smug...
Wanna pull out the finger
Cuz you notice that mug was decaf
You see those high heels she’s wearing?
I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
Oh chicka, your drinking decaf
That makes me want to laugh
My husband will warn you
That the cup you got
Is not the right brew.
Oh, taste of smooth coffee
You say you wanna have some regular?
Well smell it, taste it, cuz regular is so much better. .
They say decaf is healthier
I don’t care if it’s cheaper
Cuz regulars best yet
Will get you going to like a turbo jet.
I’m tired of women saying
That decaf is the thing. 
Take an average mama and ask her that
You just might get slapped.
So mamas (yeah) mamas (yeah)
Does your cup got regular?
(HELL YEA)
Then drink it (drink it), drink it, (drink it)
Drink that go go juice
Baby got regular!

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Little siphons

I wish I had as much energy as my 8 yr old male spawn. Holy shit. Where the eff did my energy go anyway? I use to run on at least a half a tank before kids, now I'm running on E. Its as if kids siphon the energy out of you. The doctors are full of shit. Umbilical cord used for nutrients. pssssht. Yeah right. The umbilical cord is a vacuum used to suck a lifetime of youth, beauty and energy from the mother.

R-E-A-D-I-N-G

Ok—we are all excited for our kids to learn how to read.  I remember the first word my daughter ever read.  PIZZA.  I wanted to bust colorful rainbows all over the joint.  I was super proud.  PIZZA!  Yes!!!!  This preschool thing is AWESOME!

There are lots and lots of benefits that make our life easier when it comes to our kids learning how to read.

• They can read their own restaurant menu.  This is nice.  They can read what sides the place has and different options.  Lovely

• They can read labels.  This is nice if you want to label their dresser drawers (as if that would help, but hey, it makes you feel a little bit more organized) 

• They can read their own story books.  This, folks, is by far the best thing about kids learning how to read.  No more reading Dr. Seuss over and over and over.  Yes, your right, reading to your child is a great bonding moment.  But when you have to read Dr. Seuss over and over with lots of perk you start rhyming things at work.  Then you start getting funny smirks.  Not cool.

What about the non-benefits?  Does anyone ever think about those?

I sure didn't.  I just couldn't wait for them to read.  I was so sick of Dr. Seuss that I was ready to hang myself from a noose.  Damn it.

http://venitism.blogspot.com/2013/05/greek-noose-greece-will-get-more-time.html

• Remember those days that if you didn't want your kids to hear something, you spelled it?   Those. Days. Are. Over. Forever.   

 Harsh reality moment:  in the beginning you forget they know how to read so you end up throwing yourself under the bus, with saying something like,  “I can’t wait for the kids to go to B-E-D so I can get some I-C-E-C-R-E-A-M”.  (Yes, I am guilty of hiding the chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer).   Next thing you know your kids are screaming they want ice cream.  Good going. So after throwing yourself under the bus numerous times you have it down.  

However, now, what about others around you?  The ones who spelled with you?    For instance your mom spelling, “S-A-N-T-A is going to bring Brooke a T-A-B-L-E-T”.  Or your friend saying, “We should go to a W-A-T-E-R-P-A-R-K”.  Nice, now the kids wont stop bugging you about a water park.

• Another non-benefit is when they find the art of reading all the road signs.  ALL OF THEM.  If they didn't get to read one in time, they want you to turn around so they can read it.  Getting them to understand there about a thousand more road signs to read on your trip is equivalent to spelling secret words.  No point.

• Remember those days when you can hand your phone over to your kid and let them play a game?  Sure, you can still do this, but make sure you delete all your text messages first or your little one will be reading about your friends last period and the zit that’s on her crotch.

Fun times.

So, to sum it up, before you get all impatient about wanting your kid to read, rethink.  Plus, it’s just ANOTHER harsh reminder that they are growing up. 

Crazy Lady

To the beat of The Brady Bunch Theme Song: 

Here’s the story of a crazy lady
Who was bringing up 2 very crazy kids
All of them had rips in their jeans
Just like their father
The youngest one likes to climb

Here’s the story, of a crazy man
Who was busy making messes for the wife
They were four people
living all together
Driving the crazy lady crazier

Till the one day this lady took an ativan
And she knew it was better than a glass wine
That this pill would somehow help her with the anxiety
And that’s the way she was able to not get crazier

Mommy Tired Pants

To the beat of Spongebob Squarepants: 

Will you stop kids?

I said WILL YOU STOP!

Who lives in a crazy house surrounded by pee?
Mommy tired pants!

Always cleaning and cooking and moody is she!
Mommy tired pants!

If babbling nonsense be something you wish
Mommy tired pants!

Then come on over and watch her bitch!
Mommy tires pants.

Mommy tired pants
Mommy tired pants

Parking

I come rolling in my yard and there in MY parking spot.. MY PARKING SPOT.. is my husbands car.. ummm cuse me? That is MY spot and it has been since forever. I park closer to the house... That is my god given right! Just WHO does he think he is? ! ? I have a good mind to hop in his car and move that bitch all the way down the end of the driveway and make him walk.... but then... I would have to walk back to the house ... screw it.. I'll just turn his shirts inside out when I put them away..#revengeisabitch