Top Hookers

Can't believe I forgot to tell ya'll this.  Last night male spawn comes running out of his room, "Mommy can I please record Top Hookers?"

Now. Top Hookers?  WTF?   It took me a good few seconds for this shit to registrar in my brain.  My son wants to record Top Hookers? What effing channel is he watching??  Is he watching HBO? Is it midnight?  WTF.

Panic and terror set in for a bit until I was corrected that it was the fishing show on Animal Planet that I forgot all about.

Screw you Animal Planet.

Firefly Hunting

My son decided he wanted to go catch some fireflies tonight.  That was cool.  I am all about that.  So I send him outside with a mason jar with promises to be out there in just a few.  He came in with his first firefly in his jar, beaming with pride and joy.  I even took a picture for he wanted me to savor the moment forever. 

Now, at this time he is very anxious for me to come out there.  

Let me stop there.

If you know my son, you would know he is such a sweet heart.  He has a big heart and has respect for all things living.  His biggest worry throughout this whole firefly catching escapade was he was going to misplace them from their families when he caught them.  I had to reassure him he was not misplacing them and everything was going to be OK so long as he did not keep them in the jar too long.  

So off we go together, to catch fireflies.  Mommy and son.  

Life is grand.

He hands me the mason jar, with full trust that I will do this firefly catching thing right.  After all, I have told him all I know, now it's time to show him. 

He had 3 in the jar already and he wanted a few more .  I walked out to the yard, full of confidence, with plans to fill the jar with the most fireflies this kid has ever seen.

 I spot one and I go in for it... BOOM I get him. 

YES!  I haven't caught a firefly in years.  I feel... 

VICTORIOUS!

Give me a mason jar and some fireflies and it's on like bing bong. 

I go to show my son my PROUD firefly and as I look I notice something is not right. 

SHIT, I caught the firefly in the lid and the damn thing is not moving.   

ooops. 

I have killed the effing firefly.   

My victorious balloon has been popped. 

I immediately envision my son pointing at the jar with his jaw dropped and tears streaming down his face screaming "YOU KILLED IT!" I know if he sees this I will be labeled a firefly murderer and from this day forward when he sees a firefly he will see my face with devil horns.  

I have to do something QUICK. 

So here is what I come up with, "OH NO!  We have to release them quickly!  They are going to die!" So off comes the lid and I'm flicking the dead one out of the way as fast as I can.   

He comes running over screaming, "WAITTTTTTTTT!" 

OOOOPS, sorry buddy, but I had to get them out quick I think I saw one gasping for air. 

"Gasping for air?" he asked?  "Mommy, you saved the fireflies!"

Yes, yes I did. 

I effing rock as a mommy. 

The Glob

Are you thinking what I was thinking?  WTF is that?

Well folks, this is the ceiling in the kids bathroom and what you are looking at is toothpaste.  A big old glob.

Now, of course, no one knows how it got there.  The toothpaste must have squeezed itself and squirted on the ceiling.

But seriously, how in the hell did the kids manage this one?  

The shit you find when you have kids.

Hell-Mart is on FIRE!

Today starts summer break.  This means  no more shopping after taking the kids to school.

It forces me to reflect on those fun times when we had bad experiences at the store.

So, this is my Wal-Mart story folks as embarrassing as it is, I look back and have to laugh.

I went to Hell-Mart (aka Wal-Mart) with the kids and decided to get my 6 year old daughters hair cut (Hey!  screw you....I live in NC.. getting your kids haircut at Wal-Mart is socially acceptable).

So there is my daughter in the chair.  Getting a hair cut.  How adorable.  She was so happy and excited, but,  my 4 year old was being AWFUL.  I'm trying to hold him in my arms and he keeps wiggling his way out to run around and touch things.  Yep.  He was getting on my damn nerves.  Big time.

These are times when I'm thinking a leash is not such a bad idea. 

So... I'm attempting to hold this kid in my arms again and failing miserably when he wiggles out and heads RIGHT to the fire door.  Before I can catch him, he has opened it and set the fire alarm off for the whole store. 

The. Whole. Store.

Remember

The. Whole. Store.

Can you say OMG? ! ?

I would love nothing more at that point to have gotten up and left, but I was in an awkward position because my daughter was in the middle of getting a hair cut.  

I had to suffer this one out.

Look down.  Look at the ceiling.  Twiddle thumbs.  Just DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT with anyone!    

How embarrassing.

One lady called the assistant manager right away, and I vaguely remember an announcement being made that it was a false alarm.  The lady announced that the managers were coming to shut it off.

The lady kept cutting my daughters hair saying, "whew that is loud"  NO shit it's loud.  Someone turn it the off.  Holy shit!

It took forever for the managers to come  over and shut it off.  I kept hearing whispers and seeing looks from people walking by. Yea, so, my kid set off he fire alarm.  And?   As if their kids are perfect!  Psssssshhht.  

Well, most people would have probably left the store after the haircut.  But nope.  Not me. Just call me crazy,  but I figured since it had been a little bit since the alarm was shut off, I was probably safe enough to shop.

Not. 

So shopping I go.  I even go to the OTHER side of the store to check out (people on the hair side knew it was my kid, so of course I am going to avoid that area like the plague).  So I am trying to be slick.   I'm standing in line and I hear two women talking about the fire alarm. . Ugh.  Great.  (start whistling and look at the ceiling) One says, "I hear it was a kid who set it off." The other says, "Wow, I would not be surprised." 

Whose idea was it to go shopping after my kid just set off the fire alarm?    Ugh, I remember thinking "Just let me get out of this store without being pointed out as the lady whose kid just set off the fire alarm for the whole store."  Please.    I swear I will never ever ever stick my finger up (I didn't say which finger) at my kid when he't not looking ever again.

Now that my son is older, I have told him the story and he laughs and laughs.  That's OK little one, laugh away, I shall repay you with a shit ton of embarrassing music when I drop you off  when you start high school (Ice Ice Baby, Friends in Low Places perhaps).

All in all I love the embarrassing moments and wouldn't trade them for anything (I am going to eat those words because I am sure I just jinxed myself)

Apples and Coffee

I'm cool with the phrase, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away." But this? This phrase? Unheard of. Sure.. a small percentage of why I drink coffee is because it helps keep me awake...But it also improves my mood by 99% (the numbers don't lie people) . Apples don't improve my mood. Apples are a reminder that I'm stuck on a diet that's not going anywhere. So screw you morning apple I'm sticking with coffee.

Awards Day Mixed With Grammar Edumaycaytion

Today my kids had their awars (yes, awars) ceremony today. It sucked. I hated it. My kids did super, and I am so proud of them. So much so that I could fart rainbows (seriously). With that being said, coming out of the awars (yes, awars) I felt stupider (yep, stupider). Let me explain, there is a new teacher who will be teaching the grade my son is in next year (yay). I only pray that someone other than me heard what happened during the awar (yes awar) ceremony today and do (yes do) something about it.

This is how it went.

Teacher gets up there and shes nice looking. Well put together. But out goes,

"De next attenance awar go to (insert name here) but he not here today."

There's so many damn things wrong with that sentence.

GRAMMAR POLICE

Attendance award and hes not here today? Nice.

Then out comes,

"De smiley face awar goes to (insert name here). He always go and do what I ass him to do".

This is the woman that will be teaching my child next year. I am going to put in the suggestion box that she goes back to first grade and does a full year sit in to learn grammar all over again.

10 Things I Learned From My Dad

Fathers Day is coming up and its a perfect time to reflect on my dad.  I am happy to announce that I have the best dad in the world.

He has taught me many things in my life, but my teenage years were not the easiest.

But.. he was patient and stood by me knowing that one day I would get my act together.

And I did.

So, the 10 things I learned from him (in no particular order) that I have carried with me into adult hood.

1.  Always be on time.  I personally was never late and being late as an adult is utterly unacceptable.  Luckily, this is a life lesson I learned watching my older brother.  One time  my brother was 1 minute late and my dad threw his keys were into a corn field (true story).  My dad said, "Even though he was one minute late, it was one more minute I had to worry about him."   Now that I have kids.  I get it.  I worry and think about my 10 year old when shes at a friends.  If I say be home at 8 I do not mean 8:01.  One extra minute of worrying.  Not cool.

2.  The dishwasher is not a miracle worker.  My dad would sit down and lecture my brother and I about how to make a proper peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Scrape the peanut butter off on the inside of the jar.  The dishwasher is not going to get off all the excess peanut butter.  I carry this with me, but I do not practice it, but I do think about this every time I make a pb&j which I am pretty sure was his goal.

3.  How to wash a car.  When the car is soapy, you need to rinse it from the top to bottom, not bottom to top.  Makes sense.... now.

4.  Baseball and Football.  He is a huge fan of both. I was instructed as I child that I will pull for the NY Mets and the NY Giants and pulling for anyone else could result in my departure out of the house or world, depending on his mood that day.

5.  Communication.  Communication is important, not only does it keep you up to date as to what is going on in each others lives, but it makes you feel better.  My dad lives 6 hours away and we talk at least 2 times a day.  At least.

6.  Ice cream is one of the basic food groups and should be included in your everyday diet.  Everyday folks not once a week, but everyday.  I do love me some ice cream but dad LOVES his ice cream.

7. How to drive a car (both manual and automatic).  My dad always said that every female should know how to drive a manual because you never know when she may need to drive one.  Good point.  That get away car I drove last week was a manual (kidding)

8.   Honesty.  Being honest is important.  No making things up, no lying about anything.  It makes you look stupid and people lose respect.

9.  Be a hard worker.   He is probably the hardest worker I know.  He was always an excellent provider and worked all the OT he could get to make sure we had.  

10.  How to be a good parent.  As I said, my teenage days were no walk in the park.  I look back and PRAY my kids are NOTHING like I was.  He stuck in there and no matter what he was there when I needed him.  If I needed him to come get me and he was 12 hours away he would be on his way as soon as he hung up.  I would do the same for my kids.



So.. HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO THE BEST DADDY IN THE WORLD!  MY DAD!