REAL Advice for New Mommys.

ADVICE FOR NEW MOMMIES

This is the real deal and not all that bullshit other people give you like, "enjoy your time, sleep when you can, don't forget about the husband"  Eff all that stupid shit.  That's all a given. This is the shit people don't tell you.

1.  Do not overcrowd your first newborn with too many pictures and hang them all over the house.  You will feel like shit when #2 comes about and you can only afford one photo session per year, if your lucky.  Then when your #2 is 5 and asks why you have so many pictures of #1 you feel like ultimate shit.  To all of you who have equal number of pictures of all your kids on your walls..... screw you.

2.  Do not fall into the "awesome baby stuff" trap.  Sure, you will use the stuff, but when #2 comes about you  will realize how stupid that  diaper genie really is and what a waste of money it was and #2's diapers will be going in the trash because you cant afford or don't have the energy to go out and by the "special" stupid refills for it.  Just and example folks.

3.  Have the pediatrician on speed dial.  They make over $100,000 grand a year, make them work for it.   If you have a question, call them, screw google.  That shit gets you paranoid.

4.  If you have a grandparent or someone you trust willing to babysit the baby,  do that shit!  Don't be the type that says , "oh I don't want to leave the baby" Eff that.  Get an hour of fun.  You deserve it!  Holy shit,  you just squeezed that watermelon out of your va jay jay you are entitled to an hour of fun.

5.   Do not put your nick nacks away.  Teach the kid not to touch.  It will be hard and a major pain in the ass, but, you can't expect your family and friends to put THEIR nick nacks up just because your tornado is coming over.  Teach the kid young so he/she will have manners at other peoples houses.  You do not want your friends to OD on birth control pills after you and your kid leave their house.

6.  Don't be too overwhelmed by being a germ freak.  You will hate it when your kid starts Kindergarten.  They will stay sick and then they will be home all the time and your dreams of being alone while they are in school will be shot down all because of a runny nose and sore throat.

7.  Do not EVER take any parenting advice ANYONE that has never had children.  That would be like getting sex advice from a virgin or praying with an atheist.  Pointless.

8.  Dr. Browns bottles SUCK.  I mean think about it, as if washing bottles isn't bad enough they had to go and stick a tube down the middle you got to clean?   Eff that.  This had to be a male invetion.  Screw you Dr. Browns.

9.  Vacuum, party, blast music or scream while the baby sleeps. Trust me on this one.  You want your kid to sleep through a thunder storm but most importantly, you will NOT want #1  to wake up when  #2 is screaming in the middle of the night.  The last thing you want is 2 of em screaming.  The thought makes me want to run out and get a hysterectomy, so make sure you get your babies used to loud noises so they do not wake up.  You will thank me later.

10.  Bathe the kid often.  Please.  No one wants to pick up your cute bundle of joy and smell funk and see left over dried up formula under their neck.  Yuck.  Do society a favor and bathe your kid.