Item Location Specialist

The two questions that get me instantly irritated:

1.  Where is my/the _____?

2.  Do we have any _____?

Holy shit!

 Everyone that lives here has lived here as long as I have. They are not guests.  The shit is in the same place as it always has been.

The ultimate day brightener question is:
"Do we have any (insert refrigerated item here)?"

What they are REALLY asking is:  "I know we have some (insert refrigerated item here) but I am too lazy to look for it can you tell me where it is in the fridge?"

As if I have every item in the fridge mapped out in a special location and know exactly where it is.  Nope.  I'm not that OCD.

Tweety

So, let me tell you about my close encounter with a bird.  Too close.

First, I do not like birds.  They are O.K. if I am looking out a window and they are in a tree or perch somewhere being all bird like, but up close and personal?  No thanks.

So, I took my kids to school, come in the house for a few hours and do some things, then I go to leave to run some errands.   Get in my car and start pulling out the driveway.  I hear something in the backseat.  Not just your normal "hmm what's that" sound.  More like the, "What in the eff is in my car?"  So, I go to look and I see something move.  I stopped the car and jumped out.  I see a freaking bird flying and banging on the window in the back seat.  So I run to open all the doors and I THINK it flew out?  I couldn't be 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure the bastard left.

So, I get in the car and off down the driveway I go.  All of a sudden it comes flying out from under the passenger seat.  Mild heart attack folks.

I opened all the doors... again... and finally he flew out.

Now, who cracked the window you ask?  I think it was the 8 yo, but, he claims I did it.  So it's still in debate.  Not saying I didn't do it and not remember, because that is HIGHLY possible.

The bird left me TONS of surprises behind.

Bird shit on the door, seats, console, dash and steering wheel.

What a shitty day.

Thanks tweety you suck.

REAL Advice for New Mommys.

ADVICE FOR NEW MOMMIES

This is the real deal and not all that bullshit other people give you like, "enjoy your time, sleep when you can, don't forget about the husband"  Eff all that stupid shit.  That's all a given. This is the shit people don't tell you.

1.  Do not overcrowd your first newborn with too many pictures and hang them all over the house.  You will feel like shit when #2 comes about and you can only afford one photo session per year, if your lucky.  Then when your #2 is 5 and asks why you have so many pictures of #1 you feel like ultimate shit.  To all of you who have equal number of pictures of all your kids on your walls..... screw you.

2.  Do not fall into the "awesome baby stuff" trap.  Sure, you will use the stuff, but when #2 comes about you  will realize how stupid that  diaper genie really is and what a waste of money it was and #2's diapers will be going in the trash because you cant afford or don't have the energy to go out and by the "special" stupid refills for it.  Just and example folks.

3.  Have the pediatrician on speed dial.  They make over $100,000 grand a year, make them work for it.   If you have a question, call them, screw google.  That shit gets you paranoid.

4.  If you have a grandparent or someone you trust willing to babysit the baby,  do that shit!  Don't be the type that says , "oh I don't want to leave the baby" Eff that.  Get an hour of fun.  You deserve it!  Holy shit,  you just squeezed that watermelon out of your va jay jay you are entitled to an hour of fun.

5.   Do not put your nick nacks away.  Teach the kid not to touch.  It will be hard and a major pain in the ass, but, you can't expect your family and friends to put THEIR nick nacks up just because your tornado is coming over.  Teach the kid young so he/she will have manners at other peoples houses.  You do not want your friends to OD on birth control pills after you and your kid leave their house.

6.  Don't be too overwhelmed by being a germ freak.  You will hate it when your kid starts Kindergarten.  They will stay sick and then they will be home all the time and your dreams of being alone while they are in school will be shot down all because of a runny nose and sore throat.

7.  Do not EVER take any parenting advice ANYONE that has never had children.  That would be like getting sex advice from a virgin or praying with an atheist.  Pointless.

8.  Dr. Browns bottles SUCK.  I mean think about it, as if washing bottles isn't bad enough they had to go and stick a tube down the middle you got to clean?   Eff that.  This had to be a male invetion.  Screw you Dr. Browns.

9.  Vacuum, party, blast music or scream while the baby sleeps. Trust me on this one.  You want your kid to sleep through a thunder storm but most importantly, you will NOT want #1  to wake up when  #2 is screaming in the middle of the night.  The last thing you want is 2 of em screaming.  The thought makes me want to run out and get a hysterectomy, so make sure you get your babies used to loud noises so they do not wake up.  You will thank me later.

10.  Bathe the kid often.  Please.  No one wants to pick up your cute bundle of joy and smell funk and see left over dried up formula under their neck.  Yuck.  Do society a favor and bathe your kid.

Spiders are assholes!

I got bit by a spider. No, I didn't actually seeeeee the spider, but I know that's what it was. I just know. Now, for those that do not know me, I HATE SPIDERS. Loath them. This bite makes me hate them even more. The bite got red and pissed off. Oozing shit. Felt like rug burn. This was 5 days ago and I am STILL dealing with it.

So I went to the ER, b/c it was oozing bad and it was yucky. It was 2 am. The Dr. was half asleep (seriously, he kept closing his eyes and he just looked way to relaxed) and said, "Well, sometimes we end up having to cut it off" Cut it off? Cuse me? My leg? I don't think so. You better IV my ass up with some antibiotics or give me a shot in my ass. SOMETHING! QUICK! He says, "NO, not your leg, the bite". Well , that is better, I kinda like my leg. He probably got a kick out of scaring the shit out of me. Asshole.

Thankfully it is just now starting to heal.

I haven't found the bastard that bit me yet, but I am on the look out with a bottle of Clorox spray by my side. When I find that little shit, he's dead. Then I'm going to leave his body there so all his little friends see it so they know not to eff with me. "Look, there's Bob, the bitch got him, we better move out" That's right mo fos. GET OUT before you end up like Bob.

I hate them. Bad. Creepy asses. YUCK!

Table Manners

TABLE MANNERS

The fam bam and I went out to eat the other night and I almost lost my dinner.  People are GROSS.

This guy (mid 40's)  was a few tables down from us slurping, chewing with his mouth open, shit dribbling on his chin.  It was gross.

If you wanna eat like that at home, good for you, but damn don't do it in public.  GROSS.

While we are on the subject of table manners, how bout those that blow their nose at the table?  Good god I hate it.  Snot and cheeseburgers do not mix.

I just gagged.

Shoe Farters-- DOUCHE LIP AWARENESS

DOUCHE LIP AWARENESS

I had to take a test the other day for a job I am trying to get. It was a THREE HOUR test and it sucked huge donkey balls.   The lady administrating the test  was pretty bitchy, dressed unprofessional and had a chip on her shoulders.

I can deal with all that.

What I cannot deal with are farting shoes.

If your ass knows your going to be administrating a test and it's going to be quiet in the room, please refrain from wearing farting shoes.  If you do choose to wear your farting shoes that day, well  guess what, your a DOUCHE LIP.

I had to listen to this woman walk around the room while her shoes farted the WHOLE time while I'm trying to take a test.  HELLO.  How terribly annoying.

Perhaps she had eggs for breakfast and wanted to wear her farting shoes so the test takers would not know if it was the shoes or her ass farting.


Either way.. screw you shoe farters aka DOUCHE LIPS!

Blame it on the Grocery Store

The grocery store has become an evil place.   It is where I am beginning to realize things have changed. 

The other day, the kids and I were shopping at a medium speed level (this is usually a notch down, I am usually on high speed)  so, I'm minding my own business and all of a sudden, my daughter has a look of utter shock on her face.  I ask her what her deal is and she proceeds to tell me that a lady asked me a question and I walked by and ignored her. 

She did?  What lady?  When?  Where the eff was I?  

HOLY SHIT.  I did not hear or see a damn thing. 

So I tell my daughter that I didn't hear this woman ask me anything and my daughter and son are confused because they say I looked right at her.  

I did??

What was she wearing?  

Is my hearing going?  What is the deal here? 

That was realization one.  

Realization two happened today.  I went to the grocery store with my daughter  Nothing fascinating happened.  Just my usual rush to hurry up and get the hell out of there, so we were shopping at high speed.  

I spent $89.00 in a matter of 30 minutes and a few bags.  How pathetic.  But this blog is not about me bitching about food prices, I could do that all day. 

So... my daughter and I get back in the car and shes talking about how she sneezed and the cashier was looking around to see who sneezed.  When I said, "bless you" to my daughter, the cashier looked at my daughter funny.  

Then my daughter asked, "You remember when I sneezed and you said bless you, don't you?"  

Ummmmmmmm 

Nope. 

Drawing a blank.  

Seriously, have I become this absent minded or and I getting old?   It was only a few minutes prior when the alleged sneeze took place. 

My 10 yr old is looking at me like I am nuts for not remembering this damn sneeze as I go through every filing cabinet my brain has to offer.   How can I not remember this effing sneeze?  

What else have I effing missed on these trips to the grocery store??? Holy shit. 

So am I getting absent minded or old?  I don't know, but I'm beginning to think it's all the grocery stores fault.  

Perhaps it's a little bit of both, I am getting absent minded in my old age :/